Surviving Virtual Conferences (with ADHD)

This is going to be a structural adventure. All expandable sections should be taken as parentheticals and footnotes that are still conscious of the fact that comments, also, go at the bottom.

I’m currently attending the 45th Annual Natural Hazards Workshop. I attended it in person last year, and it’s virtual this year, and some of the common threads are passionate, involved, and incredibly kind people who are involved in the science and policy of disasters. 

More of why it’s important to meIt’s the first place I presented a professional academic poster, and where I’ve met incredibly nice people and been able to talk to them about their ideas and research. It’s also where the DRC’s alumni reunion is, every year, because it’s one of the big conferences for disasters – and one that, by dint of effort, structure, and the strict banning of acronyms, is host to practitioners, policymakers, academics, and the great conversations that can come of them being in the same room. So it’s important to me to attend for several reasons, including the fact that the people I talk to there are almost uniformly incredibly nice and make me feel hopeful about the world.

This isn’t the first virtual conference of the year, and won’t be the last, but it’s the one I’ve most tried to engage in, and so the one that’s inspired this tweet.

The ADHD is newly diagnosed this year, but given that Zoom Fatigue is something growing in people’s awareness, I don’t think even those of use with ADHD are alone in the struggle.

ADHD is an adventure, y’all

I was initially screened in third grade, when I would finish my tests in class and then talk to people and be helpful and generally be cheerfully and politely disruptive. The psychiatrist, on rotation in my small Central British Columbia town, decided I didn’t have it.

I got through high school with okay grades and weird coping mechanisms (to be enumerated later), flunked out of college the first time because of untreated depression, got my shit together to the tune of running my own business and training as a paramedic, finished an undergraduate degree, finished a Masters degree, went in to see a psychiatric nurse to have a prescriber for my continued use of antidepressants, and 5 minutes into our consultation she just kind of cocked her head to the side and then pulled out an ADHD assessment.

Turns out, at 30 years old, I have moderate inattentive-type ADHD. I sometimes have imposter syndrome about that! Because my roommates have ADHD, too, but it manifests differently. In high school, I most of the time had two part time jobs, multiple clubs, an active social life, and an online writing group. The month I did Emergency Medical Responder Training I also worked solid weekends, studied, and finalized the bi-annual launch of a literary magazine. I did my makeup for the launch I was MCing on the bus to the location after work. I’ve had people who genuinely like me describe me as, variously, a shark, a whirlwind, and a hurricane.

I’m still working out how much of that is my personality and how much of it is literal decades of overscheduling as an ADHD coping mechanism. I also realized that the whole thing where I keep my laptop with me at pretty much all times is also a coping mechanism. I realized this in the middle of, during some tech issues that meant I was in class without my laptop, going on a 10 minute rant about the way Calvinism had contributed to problems with the National Flood Insurance Program. Sorry, Dr. Kendra, and I hope at least it was amusing.

. . . mostly I don’t have imposter syndrome that much anymore.

So, during this lunch break, some recommendations, tactics, and coping mechanisms for getting the most out of virtual conferences.

Thrivewithadd.com has this guide on survival tactics for Zoom meetings generally, but meetings and conferences aren’t quite the same beast: this workshop can’t really be an email. Additionally, it doesn’t matter as much whether you as a participant are dressed professionally: if you’re in the audience, you don’t have video on most of the time, and if you don’t want to turn it on at all you can ask any questions you have in chat.

Dr. Jenn Trivedi suggested taking notes by hand.

I’ve successfully embroidered through one conference (I had a little belt bag with my embroidery kit, it was badass and a great conversation starter), and knit sometimes at conventions. Having my hands busy definitely helps!

But I also run into trouble with ‘Oh, they’re messing with PowerPoint, I’ll just check my email real quick,’ and next thing I know I’m resurfacing because someone’s voice just called for one last question. Which is suboptimal.

One answer would be splitscreening, ideally with the conference on the main monitor and whatever else on a secondary monitor, but that still leaves the problem of my primary attention just. Wandering off. There is also the issue of I am on my laptop on the couch, and do not have a secondary monitor handy.

So! An itemized list of things I’m going to be trying once lunch ends, some of them based on evidence or prior suggestions.

  • Taking notes by hand
  • Continue crocheting the All My Exes fingerless gloves I’ve been working on
  • Continue the embroidery that’s been sitting abandoned by my chair for months
  • Continue the very simple knitting I’ve been working on that keeps my hands busy but doesn’t require a pattern or paying attention
  • Keeping Zoom on one half of the screen any anything else on the other half
  • On breaks, going outside to water the plants, so I’m definitely taking a break from staring at screens.

Letters from home

Why did I end up sticking with this particular naming scheme? No idea. But I guess I’m rolling with it.

Classes started up again this week. It’s nice to have structure, even though I’m a bit overwhelmed by all of the Zoom calls. I’ve stopped going to some of the professional development calls, because it’s just . . .

I’m an extravert. I like working from the office because there are people to chat and I run into people at the Keurig and we can keep up with each other. I live with other people – more people than I ever have before, right now, but I’m deeply uncomfortable living alone. I like being around other people. But wow this is so many Zoom calls, this is kind of too many people. It’s like a high-volume meeting day except every day. The only upside* is that I can do so from the comfort of my own home.

But the sheer volume of contact means that I’m finding it incredibly relaxing that Tristan and Alexis are currently on Flour Quest.

Maybe I should back up. Today Tristan and I needed to go pick up prescriptions at Walgreens.

I wore a scarf over my face for part of it, because that’s following CDC guidelines. Tristan didn’t. The Carrs, when they went to pick up our CSA share, also didn’t. Which makes it feel a little pointless: a household is as susceptible as the least cautious member. But I wasn’t the only person in Walgreens with a mask: they’re apparently becoming more normal. And they had safe distance slots for queueing marked in tape on the floor, as you can see above.

But we still needed to actually go, because controlled substances such as a couple of our prescriptions cannot be sent via mail. This seems generally problematic, because immune compromised people can still need medications that you currently need an ID to pick up. Hopefully we’re not all going to be sheltering in place for much longer, but I do think that it’s something policy would do well to address.

So we went to pick stuff up, and got Subway while we were out: ordered online, then only me going into the store, staying as far as possible from the only other customer there, who was in as representative of his family, with two kids waiting in a truck outside.

When we got home, Alexis and I got talking about bread. Our CSA share, we get bread as an add-on, but I think we’ve also both been seeing everyone making their own bread on social media. Alexis has sourdough starter on the stove: I hadn’t noticed it before. But it should be ready by midweek, which is when we’ll probably be out of our other bread. And I’ve been wanting to make bread, though I’m nervous as I don’t think I’ve made yeasted anything before. So we talked a little about that, and then came to the realization: we’d go through flour really fast if we started making bread, and there have been shortages. King Arthur Flour, which is what Alexis really likes, is several weeks backordered on most of their more popular flours. I went through their website as Alexis went through grocery websites, seeing where we could get flours. But King Arthur is down to just flours that aren’t suitable for most breads, because we are far from original in this idea.

I think it’s really worth noting that a lot of shortages right now aren’t due to panic or mismanagement: they’re because people are at home. There’s a great article on Medium talking about the fact that commercial toilet paper is not what’s selling out now. Likewise, people suddenly eating lunches at home (for themselves or for kids who normally eat at a cafeteria) are using a lot more bread in sandwiches, and people with a lot of free time and energy and boredom are looking at shelves that are light on bread and deciding to make their own. People are, in many cases, more bored than worried. And bread is an ideal antidote for people working from home in that it is a staple that takes a lot of hours where you need to be nearby but not necessarily paying a lot of attention. Also you can Instagram it.

Alexis doesn’t care about Instagram, but she does care about bread. So she and Tristan (because Alexis doesn’t drive) hit on the idea of going to the local Asian grocery, as we’ve both heard about them generally being better stocked right now. The plan was, if flour couldn’t be found in the grocery store a mile away, they’d head across town to the Asian grocery, and pick up flour and maybe more Lysol wipes so we can sanitize stuff that comes into the house more thoroughly.

So it was very quiet for a while.

But now they have returned, triumphant, and later this week we should have sourdough.

*This is a lie: another upside is that no one can see when I’m playing games on my tablet the whole meeting.

Letters from privilege

I’ve been spending a fair amount of time on social media recently – as, I think, have we all – and I’ve noticed a lot of family-oriented posts from my colleagues with family. Which makes sense: family is important.

But I’m also thinking about how family is going to make a difference in what everyone can produce right now.

I’m a disaster scientist: this means that not only am I expected to do the general academic productivity thing, but that right now, while we’re all in quarantine, might be one of the defining moments of the careers of every cohort with me in the Disaster Research Center. The ability to engage with research right now is going to be massively important. But it’s going to vary, for a lot of reasons that have nothing to do with dedication or interest.

So first, a preview of the way my life is regularly organized, with the help of my roommates and adviser:

  • I live with several people. Sometimes this bugs me, because I’m an only child and apparently that never goes away, but it means that my bills are low because they’re shared.
  • I have an involved adviser, which makes everything about my academic career more straightforward and less nervewracking
  • I have guaranteed funding
  • My adviser is mostly retired, and my funding comes from an outside grant: office politics are utterly irrelevant to my life if I want them to be
  • I live about a mile from campus, near a shuttle route: commuting under regular circumstances is a non-issue
    • Not just that, Tristan drops me off in the mornings
  • Tristan does the laundry. All of it. Every Sunday they’re in town. It’s predictable and I don’t have to think about it ever.
  • Alexis does most of the grocery shopping
  • Alexis also does most of the cooking
  • Tristan and Alexis are both brilliant and writers and willing to read my essays and give feedback really quickly
  • Duncan keeps the kitchen clean and cleans the living room once a week
  • The cats and bearded dragons technically belong to the Carrs, so they do all the animal care except when I refill their water fountain

I’m not saying this to brag, though I know it can come off that way: my life is pretty much optimally structured for me to do well academically. That’s on purpose! My brain is sometimes extremely terrible (for which I have medication and a full spectrum light), and so for times I have to fight my brain, not having to fight my environment really helps. The tremendous people in my life have entered into a conspiracy of ease.

This means that, during regular times, I’m moderately productive and definitely overinvolved.

During this period of isolation? All of that list is going to matter more. Additionally:

  • We have a number of computers such that everyone has their own, even with my current technology adventures
  • There are no children in the house. Children are important, and they’re quite literally the future, but no one has to care for them or look after their health or educate them while school is shut down. This is the biggest gap people have been talking about, that I’ve seen, and no one in this house is engaged in the work and noise of helping the development of a whole person.
  • Tristan is working the regular amount, because data centers are essential services.
  • Nick is working more than usual, because Target’s flex crew does online orders. Apparently he’s getting hazard pay and unlimited overtime. So this, too, means both quiet and work orientation in everyone’s attitude.
  • My contract continues to pay me.
  • I’ve worked from home before. For years. I’m used to the scheduling and the changes in mindset and the ways I need to orient myself.
  • My family is all fairly far away and mostly either taken care of or not in a circumstance I can help with anyway.

I spent about 8 hours yesterday coding data for my new Covid-19 related side project. Tristan hung out in my room and wrote and we listened to a podcast, then Tristan helped with preliminary sorting of some of the data when I clutched my face and screamed at the realization that after starting the day at 235 emails and processing 50 or so to end up at 232 emails (I appreciate all the data people are sending me, I just also am slightly overwhelmed).

I know this data, and some of the other stuff I’m working on, are probably going to lead to publications. But I’m also intensely aware of just how much privilege and deliberate ordering of my life and assistance from other people have gone into my ability to be productive. And I firmly believe that people caring for children or family members right now and people dealing with financial or environmental uncertainties due to the various shutdowns shouldn’t face any kind of career slowdown because their circumstances are different and they had other things to do than write. But I don’t know how well the academy will accommodate this.

I hope it does it well. A conspiracy of ease should not be a requirement of academia in general.

Letters from Redesign

The featured photo holds the books, some of which were my dad’s when he was a kid, that are a major reason the cats were not allowed in my room. Another reason was my ultimately futile desire for work clothes not covered in cat hair.

But this morning I went downstairs for tea and breakfast and to catch up on ELI goings-on before I started my work day at my desktop, and then found myself deeply reluctant to leave. Not because I didn’t want to start work – the emails I needed to look at for work were piling up, and I try very hard to start my day as close to inbox zero as I can manage, otherwise it stresses me out. I didn’t want to go back upstairs because I’d be alone.

As someone who worked from home for years, doesn’t much like a bunch of noise from other people, and is slightly maddened by living with the most people I’ve ever lived with, this was a deeply weird realization. But knowing there’s another person working near me is something I’ve gotten used to, whether it’s the inevitability of Alexis answering work emails at all hours of the day or everyone else in the grad room working and periodically stopping to chat.

Alexis is the one who suggested the solution: leave my door open, and cats would eventually come.

So I gathered up the books I didn’t want the cats touching and put them in my bedside table, which closes securely. I dusted everything, picking up an amount of cat hair that really shouldn’t be surprising. The yarn that had been stored in the bedside table (not the main yarn stash: this is the stash to be taken to Stitch ‘n’ Bitches to teach people to knit or crochet with because we can just give them the whole skein) went onto the shelf at the end of my bed, because the cats have shown no interest in yarn in general. I put all my clean clothes away rather than just on the chairdrobe, because I still harbor hopes about minimizing cat hair, and left the door open.

This is Jo. She’s not quite sure about this room that she thinks just magically appeared.

Sure enough, Jo, the youngest of Alexis’ three cats, wandered in. She’s curious, exploring, and startled whenever I reach out to pet her, because this is not a room I usually pet her in. But she’s hard at work sniffing things and exploring corners, so I think this is going to work out great.

Letters from (poorly maintained) Quarantine

We were running out of rice. We were running out of rice, completely out of milk, and a little low on butter because the two other stores my roommates had hit up were out. There are five of us, all adults, including a 20-year-old guy and a 22-year-old guy who takes daily 5-10 mile walks. We have a galley kitchen. Stocking up on sufficient food has been a bit of a project.

But I also spent the morning having more computer adventures (now solved; I have a frankendesktop, a police report, and three extra HDMI cables) and Tristan was off for the day, while Alexis is in official office hours and desperately trying to get OISS travel approvals for students with plane tickets tomorrow, so Tristan and I ran errands. Tristan now keeps hand sanitizer in the coin area of the car, which we used liberally after every stop. Walgreens to drop off a written prescription, the comic book store to pick everything up for Alexis because it’s going to close for a while and they wanted to not have holds gathering dust while it’s closed. Then: Costco.

Instead of the usual entrance, they have pallets stacked up to form a hallway where you wait, because they’re limiting the number of people inside at once. Everyone in the line was keeping a wary distance from each other. Conversations were quiet, as if noise itself would carry contagion. A few people in line wore surgical masks and gloves, but not many or most.

I lined up alone, in large part because Tristan hates grocery shopping, but also because Tristan has to go to work: I can work from home, and theoretically can still do statistics at things if I become ill. The final reason is that I was also deeply curious about what Costco would look like: I’ve been hearing about runs on toilet paper, people fighting over the last Lysol wipes, Costcos that are wiped out wastelands. It’s also a bulk store, perfect for stocking up, and one with a supply chain that I think works well as an indicator for how we’ll do when the social climate settles.

There were employees shepherding every part of our entrance, including one person whose entire job was sanitizing shopping carts and setting a few at a time aside directly where incoming shoppers could most easily grab them. Incoming shoppers were also directed to them when allowed in the store, and watched like hawks by other door employees – all of whom were keeping their social distance.

When I went in, all the shelves were full. The shelf with all the bagels was actually more full than I’m used to seeing it, which was nice: I snagged a couple bags of everything bagels, because the nutrition shakes we normally have for breakfast are delayed in their shipment. So I did what amounts to a regular grocery shop at Costco, but skipping most of the produce: we picked up plenty at our scheduled CSA pickup last week, and have another one this week. The farm store when we went was quiet, but I think now more than ever supporting local agriculture is important, and they’re still open and packing CSA shares.

Of course, a regular grocery shop at Costco when you’re almost out of rice involves getting a 20lb bag of it, along with a 3lb jar of minced garlic. Which should be enough to last out our isolation.

And then I washed my hands very, very thoroughly.

Copyright in Academic Publishing

I’ve been finishing up my thesis, and some of that involves filing it various places. Another component is meetings, one of which I had yesterday. I want to preface this with the fact that she was both charming and sincere in her desire for good outcomes, and emailed me at 8:51am on a Saturday to help me get stuff in in a timely manner.

But some of what she told me made me blisteringly angry.

So, copyright is your claim to intellectual property you produce, right? We’re on the same page with that. When you publish, you grant distribution rights to the publisher. The only time you won’t have copyright on what you produce is if you do it under very specific contract, like ghostwriting. Because copyright is automatic. Registration is separate, and entirely optional unless you intend to file a lawsuit.

This is the part where I edit out the swearing about ETD/Proquest.

ETD/Proquest, when you upload your thesis to them, is kind enough to streamline the registration process. Which is great, if you want to take that entirely optional $55 step. But what they imply, in their wording and what they communicate to graduate schools, is that unless you apply to register your copyright, you don’t own it. People don’t need to cite you, and can use your work willy-nilly with nary a mention of your name. I am in the process of submitting my thesis currently in another tab, and waffled on taking a screenshot of their exact wording. But I want my degree more than I want receipts on this particular issue, so you are left with only my word that they imply that not registering can be hugely expensive later and also that you don’t really have copyright protections.

You don’t have to pay anyone in order to own what you produce. Your copyright is yours. You need to cite whether or not you’ve hunted down someone’s copyright registration.

A lot of academic publishing verges on the predatory, between for-profit journals that don’t pay writers or peer reviewers and, apparently, the repository that holds most theses and dissertations produced in the US and several other countries implying that you don’t own your own work. I think it’s important to know what you own, know what you retain control over, and know that self-archiving is a viable path – in a couple different ways, depending on journal policy.

Knowledge is power. If we didn’t believe that, we wouldn’t be academics in the first place. Knowing more about intellectual property law is the power to not get dragged down into the morass of misinformation that’s out there.

On books and callout culture

One interesting thing to me about purity culture on tumblr- I know the impulse has been there for a lot of us as we grow, for something that is simple and clearly delineated and clean. But the idea of crusading for that in fandom spaces is baffling to me (oh, I know it’s because it’s where people can feel heard and feel like they have control, but still) because to me fiction is inherently going to be problematic, and that’s what makes it interesting.

Fiction has been shown to improve empathy. But if the fiction you’re used to consuming tends overwhelmingly to portray things in one way and to not challenge empathy – if it’s a series of neverending unproblematic AUs where everyone is Super Woke and never challenged by the behavior of people they hold dear – does that still hold true? It doesn’t challenge a paradigm.

When I was a kid, I read dealing with panic attacks: the series (in Italian, once, because the library was out of English and French), God is dead (with hella underage sex), war crimes with children: series 1war crimes with children: series 2child slavery and business ethics, and this is why we have the FDA, amongst many others. I grew up reading books with age gaps and neglect and abuse. The things I read were frequently upsetting, and challenging, and there was no one to really complain to even if I’d been so inclined because they already existed in indelible physical form and no one had forced me to read them. I just kind of accepted that bad things would happen and people grew through overcoming them. I think that was good for me. I know that what I read encouraged my to be significantly more empathetic than I would have been otherwise.

I don’t want to be one of those people who says ‘fiction was better in my day.’ Because there’s so much diverse, amazing literature being produced these days. I think maybe what I want to say is that, next time you get the impulse to tell the author of a fanwork that they’re disgusting for writing something uncomfortable to you, maybe go read something from a banned books list instead.

Adulting and Mental Load

There is a complaint amongst millennials of the tribulations of ‘adulting’ – often mocked, usually somewhat disparaged even by other millennials. But I think there’s some legitimacy to it – adulting is hard.

Right now, I’m trying to sign over the lease to our old apartment (which requires marketing, budgeting, travel, and keeping on top of correspondence both by email and text), help set up our new place (which involves ideas about aesthetics and use of space, decision making, learning the quirks of a new building, communicating with our landlord, unpacking, and remembering what days the garbage and recycling are picked up), set up a dentist appointment, and acquire a local doctor on top of the usual tasks of housekeeping, like cooking and keeping track of whether we have groceries and cleaning and doing laundry.

But this isn’t meant to just be a laundry list of complaints – I don’t actually in any way resent doing this, because I love our new place and other things need to be done. It’s just that I recently read The Secret History of Wonder Woman and have recently started Silent Spring, and the people who were able to produce remarkable works had someone else to do the housekeeping. Because aside from just the time involved in keeping a house, the brain has to keep ticking, too – keeping track of the last of the milk and whether the laundry needs done and whether one has to get back to someone. That’s the fundamental part of adulting that takes a toll. And, outside of the house, I have a job, and am going to graduate school: I’m trying to both learn and produce things that I consider worthwhile and important.

Which is part of the reason I love living in the future. I don’t have to set an alarm on weekdays: my phone does that automatically. I’ve recently started making profligate use of both Instacart and Amazon’s Subscribe and Save: my time grocery shopping can instead be spent on class reading, and I have no need to remember to keep track of how much Ensure we have left for breakfasts, because starting next month it will arrive without me having to think about it. The joys of paying for a problem to go away are now available even on a graduate student’s stipend (well, and Tristan’s paycheck).

My utility payments are automatic, my rent is paid online, and I can order groceries on an app. Next up, when money permits: a goddamn robot vacuum so I don’t have to think about cleaning the floors.

And now, back to the 54 things on my to do list.

Stealing Freedom

Starting in October of last year, I was invited to be part of a heist.

The context for the terminology is that I’m part of an online community that’s mostly some combination of mentally ill LGBT survivors of various things. The community has collectively facilitated a few cross-country moves to get people out of bad situations, and when it’s adults moving away from other controlling adults we tend to refer to it as stealing the person who’s moving away.

What I was invited to was the careful planning of facilitating someone moving away from their parents as soon as they turned 18. There were 20 people in the group chat working on planning and there was specifically a getaway driver, so: planning a heist.

I didn’t talk much about this in public as it was going on, because while the planning was going on, the person involved was still a minor, and we had major privacy and safety concerns. Afterwards, there were other complications. But I was able to get permission from the most involved people to talk about this, and check in about level of detail to share, because Nick is now an adult. Nick is more of an adult than I am, because my adulthood was just assumed, whereas his was adjudicated in a court of law after his parents perjured themselves and used the legal system as a tool for harassment by trying to obtain guardianship over him and get him declared legally incompetent.

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